Sean Higgins Kane

One small step for blog kind, one giant leap for me.

Welcome, friends, to my long-awaited and sometimes requested (ha) blog. All kidding aside, this project is a BIG step for me. I have had so many people tell me that I should start a blog after reading my social media posts, but the reality is I've always been too anxious (see blog name) to put myself...out there.  I also have a hard time believing that anyone really cares about what I have to say (again, anxiety.) I've finally taken the plunge, not to "make a million dollars and get on the news" like my children assure me is in the very near future, but to face some of my own fears and prove that I can actually do it. I believe that everyone has a story and that those stories are worth hearing about. 

My story is unique, and yet...relatable. I know that I am not the only mother who is anxious, and if I may quote Samuel L. Jackson, "as a mutha..." Well, you get the point. Our society runs on the backs of women (and men) who are fueled by various concoctions of stress, caffeine, alcohol, and antidepressants. Witty eCards and memes are hilarious, why? Because they're true. Misery loves company and the internet is full of macabre cliches that we can all laugh about because, at some level, we identify with the content. It is easier to laugh and find some common ground in the struggle, than it is to address the struggle and connect on a genuine level. Don't get me wrong, I love to get lost in the humor of it, but I do think that if we were all a bit more honest about our own stories, then we could remove some stigma and add back some humanity to our collective existence.

So, what exactly is my story? I was born and raised in the suburbs of Philadelphia. My husband and I met in high school, carried on our relationship long-distance during college, and were married directly after he graduated (I had a wedding ring before a bachelor's degree!) We're both high-achievers, he graduated summa cum laude with a Masters in Aerospace Engineering in five years and I graduated first in my college of Health Sciences at a private university. He's a genius. I'm a perfectionist, but not "Type A." I don't need everyone to do things my way, I don't hold anyone to impossible standards...just myself. I digress. Atypically for our generation, we had our children young. Typically for our generation, we're trying to raise them without a village. We are far from family and operate our little nuclear unit in a silo. 

As parents, we have done our best to both make headway in our respective careers while simultaneously refusing to use daycare services for our boys. (High achievers, remember?) While my husband has been quite successful in his professional life, I have taken a two-steps-forward-three-steps-back path that leaves me feeling unfulfilled and exasperated. Each time I have found success professionally, I needed to prioritize our personal life and vice versa. I want to be clear that as a family, we have chosen to prioritize my husband's career for financial security, but this is where the content becomes relatable for so many women. I want a career, desperately, but I also want my boys to be at home with me. The stakes are high and the decisions impossible. How many of you have had to play priority roulette and ended up hurting yourself in the end? 

I played the game and it nearly killed me. In an attempt to have it all (perfectionist,) I was working part-time and caring full-time for my kids. I would drop the boys off, work while they were in school, pick them up, run errands, cook dinner, coordinate fun activities, and go to the gym every single day (perfectionist.) Add in a traveling husband, that lack of a village, and a health problem popping up...I had a recipe for disaster and reached full burn-out at the age of 34. When I say burn-out, I am not being coy, I am being brutally honest. I was overwhelmed, overwrought, and overcome...anxious as a mutha fucker. In trying to be everything to everyone, living up to my standards and society's norms, I ran myself into the ground. I am still dealing with the aftermath of over-drafting my own resources, and this blog is step in the healing process. I am trying to own my story and learn from it, share my truth and grow from it. 

So, if you would like to read along as I share my perspective, I would love to have you join my village. If you're a mother and you're anxious, or you're anxious as a mutha....welcome. Let's walk together on this convoluted journey.